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Living in Guadeloupe, amazing things can happen even when it seems unlikely

The other day I watched an incredibly beautiful sunset over Guadeloupe, the island of slow moving everything. At times, something gives me pause and I feel my solar plexus relax and I take a deep breath and think that I really can get past the differences between here and home that test my patience and my morale. Like what? A few things:

The Pirate. He is extraordinarily patient. He makes me laugh my ass off, which helps tremendously. Laughter really is one of the best medicines.
Les Monstres. I'm attached.
The friends I have managed to make here.
Exercise, when I get to it.
New comments from strangers who are reading my blog. So cool! I know, dork alert but bear with me...

I have received a small handful of comments on my blog about living in Guadeloupe. The people leaving the comments are living here now and like me, they are from someplace else. They are learning French also, or at least speak English, although I can't speak to the level of French for all of them. The common denominator amongst us is the perception that living in Guadeloupe certainly presents some challenges.

Just the other day I was thinking that on some level I had lost the battle here in Guadeloupe. I was feeling that I had tried to befriend her, tried to work with her, and ultimately could not figure out how to exist with this strong, slow moving beast. I was feeling unequipped. Then I received the comment from Jack, a reader on the island who wrote almost exactly what I was thinking. Wow. Really? Someone who feels the same as me and doesn't just shrug their shoulders in quiet acceptance of things? Intriguing.
Suddenly, I did not feel so alone in my seemingly typically American stress-outs about Guadeloupe. Suddenly, I'm feeling that perhaps together those of us who are baffled by some of the culture here can come together and find some inspiration, recall the great points of Guadeloupe in order to stay positive and create a more successful experience. We could exchange learned information in order to save time and energy. We could drink Budweiser and eat steak and clean our rifles....not exactly...but you get the idea.
So in combination with my attempt to look for inspiration rather than despair, I think I'll offer up a meeting with the folks who have contacted me specifically about life in Guadeloupe. No, like an actual in person meeting - old school - I know, CRAZY but it could be cool. It could be awful, who knows. All I know is I'm legitimately trying to focus on the good. I'm trying to remain calm, to find the zen spot more often than not. I believe that I can find the balance point. I believe that I can adjust. Some. I still stand by my beliefs in some spots though: I still believe it should not, in 2010, take three months to transfer internet service from one freaking house to another. Not. Budging. On. That.

Bisous!
...see? leaving on a positive note already! Good, right?!

Oh, just ignore me. Right, you already did that.

Yeah, my blog is about the mostly funny side of starting a new life, in a new country, with a new language, and a new family. I also like to talk about food. This morning however I must focus on one particular topic that is ever-present: my new quasi stepmother status.

To be blunt, it's quite shocking even still to wake up some days and realize that I have responsibilities involving children. Two of them. Under the age of 8. I confess to daydreams of an apartment that had been listed as 'great for one person or a couple without children'. I confess also to longing for a sofa that is free of cookie crumbs, a toilet seat that is always down when I get to it, and just. plain. silence.

Now, there is no way that I'd rather be anyplace else - in general. But at times, yes, I would like to be teleported away. I'm sure The Pirate feels the same way as he's got a lot on his plate as well. But, I do protest that he's had a few years to practice getting used to this. Pas moi. I've been feeling ...well...it's hard to say really as I've been feeling many things, but mostly frustrated, so I turned to the all knowing interweb to see if I could find anything interesting to read about being a stepmom who hasn't had any previous experience with children. I did find LOTS of information. There seem to be a few general types of sites offering information about stepmother-hood. I find them to be in one of the following creepy categories:

a. Way too positive and chirpy and hopeful for me to even begin to relate to. I think these people are not really stepmoms, but rather friends of stepmoms giving the kind of advice only non stepmoms can give, ala 'oooohhhh, it's not so bad..be happy and set a great example!. Okay lady. Spend an afternoon trying to convince a five year old that you don't have the snacks he wants in the house - in French - which you don't speak very well, while he cries on the floor for his mother, and then tell me that again.

b. Just a plain bitch session, and mostly about the mother of the child or children. I just can't get into that. My stress points are my own and they have nothing to do with the mother of my stepkids. Thankfully the relationship with her is good. I really don't believe bitching about the mother makes anything easier for anyone, and really believe it's a harmful thing to do to the children and the ex husband.

The one thing I haven't found yet - and I'm hopeful - is information about how to deal with the normal stresses of being a new stepmom while you are also learning the kids language. Because for me, it comes down to being ignored and I detest that.

In general, it's easier for a lot of people to keep limited conversation with me, or to not try to talk with me. I understand this: I can only get so far in conversation in French, and if you can only get so far in English, well, there you have it. Entirely understandable. The same goes for the kids. Pile on top of that the fact that I'm still a relatively new arrival on the scene that is their everyday life, the fact that I'm not their mom, and the fact that they are human and just simply don't want another adult around who has the authority to tell them what to do, and well....yeah...the amount of ignoring that happens is large. I mean really, they literally just....watch me talk, and then walk away. Or don't even turn their heads when I speak, or act as if The Pirate is the only one in the room.

It's easier for them. I get it. But you know what? It really sucks.
What I realized just recently in an 'aha' moment that left me pretty bummed for the remainder of the afternoon is this: No matter what I do, no matter how fluent in French I become, no matter how much time, energy, and emotion I put into this situation, I will never reap the benefits of being the person these kids turn to for much of anything except a snack. No. It will always be a parent. I will never be the first person they think of when they panic, I won't be an automatic consideration for parent teacher day or anything like that. I'll always be just one step outside.
It's normal. It's par for the course. They have parents. I have no desire to replace or better any parent. It's strictly a matter of realizing, wow, I'm doing all the things parents do, the shopping, the driving to sports, the feeding, the coddling, the book reading, I'll do it all, because any other way just isn't natural to me, I'm not going to hold back...but in spite of these clearly parental actions, I'll always be, as they say in baseball, juuuuuust a bit outside.

I must confess, it's ...well...it's a bummer. Like I said, it won't change what I do, but it sure changes how I feel. I have moments of spitefulness: 'I'm just a babysitter, and for what?'.
So, the question to ask is, what am I going to do about it? Well, I'm enrolling in French school for non French speakers for one thing. Learning on my own simply isn't cutting it. I look forward to being able to understand more and talk back more, both in good situations and bad. That should help tremendously, but it will take time. I'm going to read more from other stepmoms so I don't feel so isolated and/or crazy in this situation. I'm going to ask my cousins who have raised amazing boys what I should expect, because I realize that a lot of behavior is simply 'kids' and not necessarily 'step kids', but how would I know the difference?
Lastly, The Pirate. The coolest guy I know. What to do with him when it comes to all this? To be honest I'm not sure. I think two kids, and having to help me with many things since I'm French deficient, well it's already a lot. That being said, there may be some things we can go over, things that may need to be adjusted now that he has a slightly different type of family. For me it's scary ground to walk on. I mean, if I know nothing, who am I to tell him how things should go?

I'm just going to put on some Bob Marley now, 'Please, don't you rock ....my boat...." Hahahaa...

What doesn't kill me.....wait, learning French AND how to be a stepmom at the same time just might.

A new country, a new family. It's nice, this new way of life. A good lesson: to not just think for me, but to have to consider those immediately around me at all times. I'm totally up for it. Many times, I feel a lot of love and stuff that I've never felt in quite this way, not having kids of my own. Then again, many times I feel a level of anxiety that I'm not sure is normal or healthy.
Being in a step mom position brings all sorts of new emotions. It's a new language, really.

So the languages I'm learning as an ex-patriot are:
1 .French
2. Children

It's kind of a catch-22, chicken-egg situation isn't it? Because number two would certainly be easier if it were a. in English, or b. in a familiar place. It's not, and I want it that way, I want the new place and the new language(s), but I will say that becoming a step mom brings challenges, and becoming a step mom in a new country and new language? ...yeah. It's one of those times when I believe the universe took a look at me and said, 'oh yeah? You want a challenge? Ha! HERE ya go.'


Intensive life training situation numer 9734:

You are in a new place, you are learning (insert language here).
You will be placed in a new domestic position requiring the following skills:
Patience, the ability to withstand being ignored often, the ability to apply ointment and bandaids in an expert fashion, and oh yes, the ability to speak (insert same language as above) in times of crises involving said bandaids.
You must develop an ability to control a room full of children under the age of seven with whatever (language) you have acquired.
You must willingly listen to those who refuse to comprehend that you do not yet speak fluent (language) while they tell you stories of cats and trees each time you pass them in the apartment complex. (at least that's what you think they're saying).


Ah, learning. There's nothing like saying something in a very stern voice to a child, in broken French, and having them reply with a look that says, 'What the HELL are you trying to say? Since I can't understand you, you silly woman, I will simply shrug my shoulders and walk away. Watch.'

Thankfully, most adults here in Guadeloupe make more of an effort. In fact, people are generally really nice and accomodating, even if we make conversation in broken sentences with a lot of mime.

Earning the respect of children when you are not the parent AND you don't speak the language remains one of my biggest challenges in my new life. In fact, I'm not even sure fluent French will help....which brings me to the question of the day:
Should I study French today or should I study step parenting?

Swimming to a tiny island from a bigger one...

Island life has a lot to offer in terms of outdoor exercise, in spite of the insane heat this time of year. Swimming is top on my list: I can do it, it keeps me cool, and who doesn't love the beach.
I couldn't help but think of some cheesy symbolism in my swim: I leave the big piece of land for a smaller one. Just like leaving the States for this island of Guadeloupe. The difference is that in reality, I'm not heading directly back to the bigger piece of land, the States, for a nice sandwich and a nap on my towel. No, I'm staying on the smaller piece of land.

I do wish the smaller piece of land had a bit more to offer though. Just as during my swim, I get to the small island, and while I love the beauty, the natural state, and the people who are there are nice, it's just ... well...it's an adjustment. Perhaps in life it's like the swim: each time I go back and forth to my small island from the big one, it gets easier. Each time the current is strong but I still make it.